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Shamgar’s folly- Lawtechie's tales from low rent ISPs.
Part 4 The year is 1995. I’m living the Gen X dream- hustling for every dollar with a sullen demeanor and a few technical skills.
While in college, I worked summers in a sleepy tourist town with a historic vibe. I waited tables, worked in bed & breakfasts and wrote advertising copy for a local tourist magazine owned by my uncle, Ivan.
Ivan’s Guest Guide was in 80% of the hotels, motels and B&Bs in our town. We put glowing copy and pretty pictures of all the touristy things in a slick binder that the hotel could add their information to.
We sold ads to tourist oriented businesses. We’d also make them print-ready ads if they didn’t have the graphic designers.
That’s the part of the business that made sense. Accounts payable was on a ‘make me’ basis.
Since I was family, I didn’t get paid for my copy until Ivan needed something from me.
I figured out that three unstable Macs with pirated copies of Quark Express, Photoshop and Illustrator were my path to getting paid. Ivan’s approach to maintaining these Macs was haphazard at best.
One summer night, he calls the restaurant I’m working at. Luckily, I’m closest to the phone.
Me:”Welcome to Pretentious and Expensive”.
Ivan:”Great. It’s you. These things are all messed up and I have to do two ads tonight so I can get them to the print shop tomorrow”.
I notice the Maitre’d within earshot, so I have to be careful about taking personal calls.
Me:”Very good. Let me see what tables I have available”.
I flip back and forth through the printed reservation book.
Me:”I can’t fit a party of that size tonight. Perhaps two days from now?”
Ivan:”What? No. I need it now”
Me:”We absolutely could provide a birthday cake. Our prices start at $200. I’m sorry, there’s some static on the line. I’d need $200 to make that request. Is that acceptable to you?”
Ivan:”Hey! I’m running a business here. You can’t jack me up like this!”
Me:”Thank you. We’ll be seeing you this Monday at 7pm. We’re looking forward to seeing you again, Dr. Pagano”.
I go back to my work. After my last table has left, I call Ivan back.
Me:”Hey, Ivan, you still need help?”
Ivan:”Yeah. All three of these pieces of shit are broken as is the Internet. You have to help me”.
Me:”I’ll be over there in half an hour. Will you have money for me?”
Ivan:”Let me see what I can do”.
I finish cleaning up, jump in my car and find my way to Ivan’s tiny office behind a hairdresser’s salon.
Back in the Mac OS System 7 days, the bane of every Mac user were System Extensions. They’d load at boot, eat up RAM and fight with each other, causing instability. A smart Mac user would use only the ones they needed. A Mac power-user would have different lists based on what they needed to do for that session.
Ivan’s strategy, when he could be bothered with extensions, was to install software with more janky extensions in the hopes that, well, something would work.
I grab a sheet of paper to write down the extensions I’m loading with the results for each of the poor Macs in Ivan’s office. This takes a few iterations as I add and remove extensions.
While this is happening, Ivan is talking about all the sales he’s making and how ‘this computer shit’ is preventing him from getting ahead, while drinking wine out of a Slurpee cup filled with ice.
I do my best to ignore him.
Eventually I find the smallest combination of extensions that support Quark, Photoshop, the two flatbed scanners and the oddball printer Ivan bought. That fixes the Macs. I save the extensions list (available from a drop down menu at boot) as “Known good list”. I also put post-it notes that read:
“IVAN- DO NOT CHANGE THE EXTENSIONS IF YOU WANT THIS TO WORK”
Ivan pours me a glass or two of astringent home-made wine while I fight with the Internet connection.
I pick the most recent Mac to test our connection to our Mom & Pop ISP, the only one that offered phone banks in a non ‘local long distance’ exchange in our podunk town.
I listen to the sweet sounds of the dialup.
Except it’s not working- I hear the tones that turn off call waiting, then the dial to the local ISP.
Then there’s no completed handshake- I just get the ‘bing bing bing’ sound of my modem looking for the other modem to negotiate with.
Ivan:”What is all that noise?”
me:”Sounds like the modem on the other end isn’t communicating right. They’ve been unreliable since the founder died. I’ve heard that he promised the two techies a share of the company, but the owner’s wife isn’t so amenable.”
Ivan:”Why don’t we start our own ISP?”
me:”We’ve both been drinking. I don’t know about this”.
I stand up and put my hand out.
He puts $100 in my hand.
me:”Ivan, you owe me for proofing and writing an article about dolphin watching in addition to fixing all this”.
Ivan:”I need you to deliver the final proofs to the print shop in the morning. Then I’ll pay you the other half”.
I decide that I’ve had too much to drink, so I push my car into an un-metered spot. It’s small enough.
I start walking home and decide to stop at my favorite bar on the way for an unnecessary drink. Do I really want to start a small ISP? With Ivan?
To be continued...