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PSG - This Is England 2019
All I need to do is avoid getting sacked. So I need to balance by pursuit of the entire England team with good results on the field. And eventually I will need to somehow sell Neymar & Mbappe without incurring the wrath of the fans and/or board.
First Summer transfer window.
- Jack Wilshere - £15.25m
- Jude Bellingham - £20m & a friendly
- Daniel Sturridge – Free
- James Tavernier - £13m & a friendly
- Jordan Henderson - £63m & a friendly
- Ben Chilwell - £65m (£20m + £45m over 3 years) & a friendly
- James Maddison - £55m (£17.5m + £37.5m over 3 years)
- Mason Greenwood - £50m (£20m + £30m over 3 years)
- Angel “Di Maria 2.0” Gomes – Loan. I intend to sign him on a free at the end of the season.
- Edison Cavani - £27m to Real Madrid
- Layvin Kurzawa - £5m to Spartak Moscow
- Thilo Kehreh - £8.5 to Lyon
- Angel Di Maria - £35m to Guangshou & a friendly & I pay £69k of his wages... snigger
- Leandro Paredes to Leicester on loan. Optional 20m future fee.
- Juan Bernat - £22.5m to Man City & I pay £20k of his wages
- Julian Draxler - £20.5m to Man U
Easily won the Trophee des Champions 3-0 vs Rennes. 2 Marquinhos goals and an OG.
Leading into the new season, I told Marquinhos that I was going to replace him as Vice Captain. He was fine with it. I picked Jordan Henderson as my new Vice Captain. Thiago Silva is still the main man... for now.
There are rumblings of a possible takeover. Could I be sacked before England FC has the chance to win the French League?
The bookies have me at evens to win the league. EVENS? If I could I’d bet the entire transfer budget on that. Evens? I’m PSG with Jack Wilshere. I’m basically unstoppable.
3 days before the opening league fixture, Jack Wilshere tore his ankle ligaments in training. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.
Good thing I didn’t make that bet. With Jack out I’ll have to rely on the likes of (check’s squad list) Neymar for creativity.
Won the opening game of the season 2-0 against Strasborg. This included Ben Chilwell scoring a screamer into the top corner from 25 yards and a Neymar tap in. Jude Bellingham also became PSG's youngest ever player as he started in midfield.
I forgot to mention that I am also hiring lots of English staff members. Terry Butcher is managing my reserves. Paul Ince, Teddy Sheringham, James Beattie and Tony Adams are coaching my youth team. Les Reed is my director of football. David Platt is coaching the first team. I’ve also got English physios and fitness staff, but I can’t be arsed to look up their names.
2-0 again in the next game, this time away to Marseille. For the 2nd game running Ben Chilwell scored, followed by a tidy finish from Jordan Henderson.
I'm currently playing with a half English team in the outfield. Fullbacks, CM, AM and Striker are all English. The wingers, centre backs, 1 CM and keeper are all non-English. Daniel Sturridge sits on the bench… brooding.
1-0 next up against Montpellier. Chilly Willy's run of scoring came to an end as Neymar bagged the only goal of the game. On the downside Mbappe pulled his ankle ligaments and will be out for a couple of weeks.
More rumblings of a take over. The PSG owner rubbishes these rumours. Looks like he’s behind England Rangers and their plans to restart the 100 years war.
4-1 win away to AS Saint-Etienne. A hat trick for Neymar along with Mason Greenwood's first goal for the club helped to mask the pain of finally conceding for the first time this season. Keylor Navas really shat the bed trying to pass out from the back. I can’t help but think that Jordan Pickford would have kept the sheets clean.
UCL Group drawn. The Media describe my group as “Tough” as I am drawn against Valencia, Napoli and RB Leipzig.
I don’t include Herrera or Munier in my UCL squad and they are both unhappy. I tell them to shut up and drop both into the reserves. Neither apologises and both are sulking. Luckily nobody in the squad likes them so nobody cares.
One of my young midfielders breaks his back whilst lifting weights. I think Jack Wilshere was giving him pointers.
Jordan Henderson scores his first ever international goal in his 53rd cap. I can’t help but feel that is entirely down to my coaching.
Jack Wilshere is back in light training.
Verratti, Neymar & Mbappe score in a 3-0 demolition of Toulouse. Henderson bags an assist. Daniel Sturridge still can’t open his account for PSG.
First UCL game is next up. Valencia at home. Verratti and Neymar are both suspended. I seem to remember this being to do with their reactions to losing in the knock out stages to Man U in the previous season, following that ridiculous penalty decision given against… Kimpembe? I refuse to look it up to verify. That’s the past. This is the present. Neymar is replaced by Angel Gomes for his debut. That’s easy enough. However, the lack of Verratti and with Herrera rotting away in the reserves, I may be forced to play Wilshere before he’s fully fit… but since he’s never ever ever been fully fit, this seems like the right thing to do!
Boom! We smash Valencia 2-0. Wilshere setting up Greenwood with a defence splitting through pass, and Tavernier crossing to the edge of the box for Henderson to drill home. Wilshere had to be subbed off at half time since he’s Jack Wilshere. Still. 1 game. 1 assist. I am fully justified in signing him.
Big game up next vs Lyon. 1st vs 2nd. For a game like this I need my top players. Wilshere is getting his league debut. Verratti will have to be happy with a spot on the bench.
Oh. Kehrer is set to play against me for the first time since I sold him. Apparently there is “no love lost” between us. I’d honestly forgot I sold him to Lyon. I tell the media that his was a shitbag and nobody liked him here.
A superb come from behind victory for The Englishmen! After trailing to an early penalty conceded by Silva, we turned things around to win 2-1 with goals from Mbappe and Marquinos, assisted by Maddison and Chilwell. Wilshere once again managed 45 mins of football. And that shitbag Kehrer didn’t even play.
Damn. Marquinhos is suspended for a game after 3 bookings in his last 10 matches. I didn’t know that was how the French League did things. Interesting.
Chuopo-Moting dislocated his jaw in training. I can only assume that Jack Wilshere was trying to teach him how to eat a Cornish Pasty in one go.
Holy crap. I almost lost to Metz! 2-0 down going into the final quarter of the match. Needed a 91st minute equaliser from Neymar to avoid defeat. Still, unbeaten so far. I really need some English grit to toughen my central defence. Silva is good and all, but he’s no John Stones.
Before every single game: Jack Wilshere may struggle to see out the match.
I know. He’s Jack Wilshere.
We beat Angers 3-1 with Tavernier (pen) and Angel Gomes both bagging their first goals for the club. Neymar gets the 3rd off the bench. Gomes gets the MOTM award to go with the goal.
Napoli away next. Wilshere set to start his 5th game in a row for probably the first time in his whole career. Neymar is still suspended, so Gomes will be able to build on his man of the match performance with another start.
The board have announced that they have decreased the percentage of transfer revenue available to be retained from player sales to 75%. What the fuck? I’M PSG!!! I want 200% of all sales to go back into the transfer kitty.
We beat Napoli 2-0 with goals from Greenwood and Marquinhos. Greenwood set up Marquinhos by heading a corner back across goal to him, whilst Wilshere set up Greenwood with another great defence splitting through pass, just like the Valencia game. Wilshere lasted 63 mins this game, having been subbed off at half time of every previous game. Still, those 63 mins were enough to win him the MOTM award. Go Jack!
Side quest unlocked: Somehow get Jack Wilshere back into the England squad.
Wilshere is grateful for my faith in him. Aw, Jackie. I love you too, boo.
The Montpellier manager says that PSG are amongst the favourites to qualify for continental football this season. No shit Sherlock.
Wilshere didn’t make the latest England squad. No worry Jack. Next time it’s a friendly I’ll pull Madison and Henderson from the squad. Then maybe you will make it? Or plan B, wait for Southgate to get fired then apply for the job.
Gomes keeps his place in the team, meaning that Neymar is on the bench for the 2nd league game in a row. We beat Amiens 2-0 away, with goals from Henderson and Mbappe. Wilshere picked up a booking before being subbed off . Still, no injury. That rejuvenating Parisian tap water is doing wonders for the boy!
International break. I give Wilshere a week off. I’m worried that if he trains his knees may fall off. Meanwhile, Maddison gets his first international goal.
More takeover rumours. I guess Wilshere is interesting possible investors.
The week’s rest did the trick! This is the first game he’s started where I haven’t been told that Wilshere “may struggle to see out the match”. My medical staff are certainly earning their wages.
Wilshere lasted the full match as an 87th minute James Tavernier penalty scraped us a 1-0 win at home to Nantes. That’s 10 in a row unbeaten in the league, with 28 points from a possible 30. Frank Lampard was spotted at the game. Apparently he is interested in signing Marquinhos. This could be a good way for me to sign Fikayo Tomori and/or Reece James. Watch this space…
Next up: RB Leipzig away.
Tavernier and Mbappe have developed a solid green link down the right side. This was unexpected. As was the result. RB Leipzig 4-6 PSG! A hat trick for Mbappe, 2 for Greenwood and 1 for Neymar. The defence was an absolute shambles this game. Luckily the attack bailed them out. I really need a couple of Englishmen to replace those 2 Brazilians in the centre of defence.
HOLY CRAP. Gareth Southgate was spotted at Red Bull Arena, casting an eye over basically half my team for the upcoming internationals. Jack Wilshere’s name is included among the players he was watching. GO JACK!
Next up we beat Lille 3-2 away. Take a quick 2-0 lead through Neymar and a Tavernier penalty. Switch off and it’s 2-2 at half time. Spend the entire second half throwing everything at them and finally in the 87th minute Tavernier pops up at the back post to tap in the winner. 2 goals for my right back. Not too shabby.
Side quest unlocked: Get James Tavernier his first England cap. This might be too difficult. Ahead of him he has Trent, Walker, Wan-Bissaka, Trippier & James. Heck, Tavernier never even got any youth caps for England. Still, if he keeps on playing as well as he does then even Gareth “I only pick players on form but actually fuck that let’s keep playing Pickford and Maguire even though they are having the worst seasons of their professional careers IRL” Southgate can’t ignore him forever.
Keylor Navas is injured. For absolutely no reason I set about signing 32 year old (and 1 time England U21 international) Ben Alnwick on a free.
PSG gain another sponsor. This is a 1 season deal worth £29m with a “European telecommunications company”. Totally not a FFP get around. Not at all.
I ask the board for more transfer funds. They say no. I whine like a little bitch. They give me £75m. Nice!
With the new funds available, Director of Football Les Reed recommends Sadio Mane as our top transfer target. Fuck that. I’m buying John Stones!
I have completely fucked up with a rookie mistake. With Navas injured, I forgot to stop Rico playing for the reserves. Now I’m about to play Brest (snigger) at home and both my keepers can’t play. With the Alnwick transfer yet to be completed, it looks like I’m going to have to rely on a 20 year old Pole called Marcin Bulka.
Relegation zone Brest manage to put 2 past him, but my attack get 3 to scrape a 3-2 win. Well, I say attack. Maddison, Sarabia and Tavenier (another penalty) get the goals. Mbappe and Wilshere (nooooooooo) pick up injuries in the game. Mbappe will miss 4-6 weeks with a twisted ankle, whilst Wilshere will miss just a few days with a bruised thigh. This does mean he will miss the RB Leipzig return fixture in midweek.
Ben Alnwick joins the club. I tell the press that he will be a massive boost to the entire squad. I quickly arrange a midweek friendly for the reserves so that he can get some game time before the weekend fixture in the league. I move every keeper (5?!) from the reserves into the first team to make sure that Terry Butcher has to play Alnwick. I’ll have to play Rico in the UCL, since I can’t register Ben… yet.
At home against Red Bull Leipzig we cruise to a 4-2 victory. A brace from Neymar, another open play goal for Tavernier, along with a goal for Greenwood wrap things up. I’m still concerned by my centre backs though. They need some English heart replace the Brazilian skill.
That win qualifies us from the group. So some players get bonuses paid. Including Alfonse Areola (snigger) who is on loan at Real Madrid. You still have to pay bonuses to players who aren't at the club?
DAMN YOU GARETH SOUTHGATE. He calls up Chilwell, Henderson and Maddison. Poor Jack and Jim. They feel so unloved.
Alnwick keeps a clean sheet for the reserves. That’s enough for me. 2 training sessions and 1 reserves game since the end of the previous season is enough to earn him a start at the weekend against 5th placed Nice.
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. I forgot to put the reserve keepers back in the reserves squad, so Ben Alnwick played for the reserves today. Now he can’t play against Nice. I’ll have to play Johnny Rico (totally setting that as his nickname now) again. On the plus side at least Wilshere is back.
We absolutely smash Nice 3-0 away. An OG, another Tavernier penalty and a Verratti goal. Wilshere lasts the 90 and bags a MOTM award for his troubles.
I send Henderson, Chilwell and Maddison on holiday for a week just before they are supposed to join the England squad in the international break. Fuck you Southgate. Pick Wilshere you bastard. I also send Neymar, Marquinhos and Thiago Silva on holiday for a week, but that’s just for shits and giggles.
That’s the defence sorted! Once the January transfer window opens I’ve got John Stones, Rob Holding and Jordan Pickford all joining the club. That’s a Champions League winning line up if ever I saw one. Looks like Marquinhos, Navas and Thiago Silva will either have to leave or enjoy being benched.
Gaylord Kitenge is 12 months away from being homegrown. His parents are mean.
More takeover rumours. My owner quashes them. He is (not) quoted as saying that he is 100% behind his visionary manager and King Wilshere.
For no reason at all I am now training Ander Herrera as a left back. Double intensity.
Ah. The “send them on holiday” scheme didn’t work. They still played for their countries. Dang.
Neymar is hotly tipped to win Foreign Player of the year. He is up against the likes of blah blah blah and James Tavernier!
Next game is home against Dijon. Let’s see if Ben Alnwick can cut the mustard (snigger).
Another James Tavernier penalty as we beat Dijon 2-1. They managed 2 shots on target all game, and one of them went in. I am starting to think that Ben Alnwick is not the super human shot stopper that I bigged him up to be.
Oh, that was our 10th win in a row. That’s a new record for PSG.
I’ve sent half my first team on holiday for a week. They need a rest and since I’ve already qualified I’ll just play the likes of Verratti against Valencia. You know. Reserves.
Man U turned down my bid of a friendly in exchange for Phil Jones. I thought it was a more than fair offer.
Holy crap. We beat Valencia away 1-0, despite resting the entire outfield apart from Henderson. Both fullbacks were 17 year olds from the youth team. There’s only 1 explanation for it: Jordan Henderson is an amazing captain who led his troops to victory. It has nothing to do with the Valencia red card.
Ander Herrera has had a change of heart and no longer wants to leave. Tough titties mate. You’re a left back now. Train harder!
Nimes are brushed aside 2-0 away. Mbappe and Sarabia score. This takes us on to 12 wins in a row.
November ends. The board rate my performance as a B. What the fuck? I have literally won every single game and we are playing attacking football. Apparently they aren’t happy with Ben Alnwick’s signing. Fair point.
We are on course to pass the financial fair play regulations. Lol
Reims are demolished 6-0 at home. Another 2 goals for MOTM Tavernier (1 penalty, 1 from open play), Henderson, Sarabia & 2 for Mbappe. That’s 13 wins in a row.
Idrissa Gueye has handed in a transfer request. I think the fact that I forgot he even existed may be partly responsible for this. I accept the request.
James Tavernier is currently the joint second highest scorer in the league on 9 goals. DID YOU HEAR THAT SOUTHGATE? Call him up.
Monaco are smashed 3-0 away with an Icardi hat trick. On the down side Chilwell has reached his yellow cards limit whilst Neymar has sprained his ankle and is out for 3 weeks. When’s his sister’s birthday again?
Home game against Napoli to round off the UCL group stages. I’m going to rest everyone. Pre-match Gattuso tells the press how much he admires me. I tell the press that Gattuso is a wanker. I still remember him headbutting 100 year old Joe Jordan in the face.
My fans are confident ahead of the Napoli game. They haven’t seen the team yet… and I still win 2-0. MOTM Angel Gomes and Paplo Sarabia with the goals. This result was enough for Red Bull Leipzig to leapfrog Napoli and qualify 2nd in the group with 9 points and a goal difference of -2. They are one of 2 teams to qualify with a negative goal difference, the other being Dinamo Zagreb. I am one of 2 teams to qualify with 6 wins out of 6, the other two being Tottenham and Chelsea.
Bordeaux are swept aside next. 3-0 at home, with goals from Greenwood, Mbappe and Henderson. That’s 16 wins in a row in all competitions.
Ander Herrera has handed in a transfer request. I guess he doesn’t like being in the reserves and being trained as a left back. I accept the request.
I draw Ajax in the UCL first knock out round. That’s a very winnable tie for Wilshere & co. Meanwhile, Liverpool draw Real Madrid and Juventus draw Bayern Munich.
Next up is the Coupe de la Ligue BKT game vs Amiens at home. I will be fined £6.5k if I don’t pick 7 players in the squad who have played in at least 1 of my last 2 competitive games. Interesting idea, but a fine like that means nothing to me. I was going to rotate everyone to intentionally incur the fine. However, 2 games ago I played my reserves vs Napoli, so I’ve pretty much played everyone in the last 2 games anyway. We absolutely steamroll them 4-0, with goals from Kimpembe, Mbappe and MOTM Greenwood bagging 2. More importantly, Ben Alnwick kept a clean sheet. Also, Bellingham becomes the youngest ever Coupe de la Ligue BKT player.
Athletico Bilbao offer me £15m for Herrera, with me paying £83k of his wages every week. I tell them to stick that offer up their arse, and counter with a non-negotiable £15m and £100 per week of his wages being paid. They agree to this!
Rennes frustrate us with a 0-0 draw. Despite MOTM Wilshere picking out passes left and right, the finishing was poor. The run of 17 wins in a row is halted. Still, currently unbeaten this season.
The fans are reported to have hated Angel Gomes since he joined on loan. Bloody Anglophobes.
That’s it for Part 1. Just entered the winter break.
Next up: Part 2 - The Ballard of Rob Holding