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I can't take it anymore
2013, I've been at University for less than three months now and I start to realise that this isn't what I wanted to do. I realise how much my mother was happier than me that I started, how happier she was to see the University than me. She's never been to school and her biggest dream was to go to Uni. I realised I was fulfilling my mom's dream, not mine. So one day, after school, I entered my student flat and fell on my knees. I've cried all night long. At that moment I didn't realise what was going on. The next day I went back to school as nothing happened. And the same night, when I came back home, again. Knees. Crying. All night long. I used to go back to my parents mostly every week end because my bf needed time for himself and we mostly saw each other twice a month when I was lucky (I was stupid enough to put my needs by side for his). For a few weeks I cried in the train, I cried when I saw my bf, i cried myself to sleep. What the fuck was going on? I used to be the happiest girl alive. I didn't understand. So I told myself I should tell my parents. I usually don't share my problems with them because they become very angry for nothing and make me feel bad for smth I didn't do (for example, after two years of relationship I decided to take the pill bcz we already broke three condoms in the last year and I started to be afraid of getting pregnant. I was about 19yo and I wanted to be responsible. So I asked my mom to come in my room and I told her about everything and she just looked at me like 'You ain't virgin anymore?' Like fuck no mom I've been in a relationship for two years. And she just told me how disappointed she was with me...)
When I got out of the train I had to wait for my mom to come pick me up (we had another 1h road to home) and during the ride, I asked my mom if I could go see a therapist. She asked, angrily, why. I told her that I was feeling sad. She then started to angrily yell at me, telling me that I'm a little princess wanting some attention bcz how could someone who had a family, a roof, some studies and a bf be sad right? She insulted me with many words, telling me I was a piece of shit, that there are people who have it worse then me, etc. So as always, I just shut up and let her yell at me. After a while, silence. Then she asked, angrily: 'So now tell me why you're sad' and.. I clearly didn't wanna share anything with her anymore. So I said 'no it's ok' and she insisted, yelling at me. I still said no. So all of a sudden she parked the car and yelled at me, wanting to know what was going on. She said we wouldn't leave before I've told her. And she kept yelling, she kept insulting me. Then after an hour I just left the car. And I disappeared for three hours. Then I came back in the car and we drove home as if nothing happened. Nobody said anything. Once home, I went straight into my room, after a few mins my dad entered my room, and yelled: 'What the fuck were you thinking when you left your mom for three hours like that? Are you fucking stupid?' And I tried telling him what happened and he didn't care. He only cared about his wife. He always only cares about his wife.
2014 I stopped University and took a year off to try and find MY studies.
2015 I started an engineering school. God I was so happy. I loved this, I loved the science, the maths. Everything. The first year was close to my parents' place so I decided to stay at their place. The next year I had to have my own place bcz the school was a bit more far. One of my best friends of high school was living with two other people and was searching for a fourth roomate. Perfect. September 2016 I was living with them, thought that I'd finally be able to be a 'normal' teenager that could decide by herself what she'd do with her freetime. Wrong. My mom wanted me to come home every week end. I told her I couldn't, that I had to study (and I really had to, I loved my studies and I studied with happiness until 11pm every night and during the week ends). And she started to act crazy again. Sending me messages during class telling me she'd pick me up, pulling me by my hair. She even after a while came and waited next to our building for HOURS to be able to catch me. Luckily that day I felt so stressed and even cried in class that I decided to come back home in the morning. She waited until 11pm. Then she left. All my roomates saw her, they also all saw me, how stressed and frightened I was. I decided this has to stop. I didn't go to class anymore. We're in 2017 and I've been in class maybe a day or two. Exams are approaching. Even tho I was sick (gastritis bcz I was so stressed), haven't studied for months and haven't been to class for months either, I decided to take those exams of the second semester. I passed them all but one. I was proud of myself. And at the same time I just wanted to die. One day my mom came to have some dinner with me. She arrived angrily and I really just wanted to go back in my bed. We went to a restaurant and silence. Then all of a sudden she started acting crazy again. I asked her about when I came back home and yelled out of happiness that I passed my exam (the one I failed the second semester) with a 3.5 (Switzerland 6 is the best and 3.5 is enough to pass, but the bare minimum) and neither her nor my dad said anything. They just literally continued cooking and reading the newspaper. She said: "Because you are you such a disappointment." Oh wow ok so I'm 22yo, am studying engineering, passed all my exams in the first semester, have the same first bf for 6 years now, didn't ever do any drugs or alcohol... and I'm a disappointment ok. She started insulting me again. Then after a while I was sick. I told her I wanted to leave. We asked to pack up the food and we went to the car. I took out my school bag and said I'd go home by myself.
Long story short, a lot of other things like that happened and before the start of the next school year I decided to stop. I wrote to my parents it was over, that I was sick of everything. Some day, knowing their working hours, I took a friend of mine and my bf and went home to pick up all my stuff and left them a letter. I lived at my bf's mom's place and looked up for a job. In a week I found one and started working. A few months passed and I wanted to have my own place with him. We've been together for 6 years and he finished his studies and also started working. So in December 2017 we moved in our first apartment together. He didn't want to sign the papers so I had to. During the next months I went to see a best friend of mine every week end bcz she wasn't feeling good (and for reminder: I had suicidal thoughts but yet she came first). One day my bf decided to come with me bcz he also had friends in that city and that's where they met and that I saw sparkles in his eyes. I saw how they started talking on Skype and the long messages they sent each other. I once wanted to have sexy time but he didn't and when I said her name he had an erection. A few months passed, he never paid rent, and he left me all alone, with my suicidal thoughts and knowing he was banging my 'best friend'. After a few weeks I had a suicide attempt bcz all of this was too much. I couldn't handle it anymore. And even tho I told my friends about my thoughts, nobody cared.
I've been in contact with my dad since I got that flat in December and I felt very close to him but didn't want to talk to my mother. I called her 'his wife'. The day of my attempt he called me many times, saw that I wasn't in my flat and became very worried. He called me and called me again. After a while I picked up bcz I couldnt handle imagining him seeing my dead body. He knew smth was wrong. He asked me to come back. I did. Some police officers were there. We talked. I started to yell and told everything I had in my mind. My parents were in shock. The police officers took me to the hospital. My brother was there too. They were all crying. Wtf I thought you guys didn't care abt me and now you're afraid to lose me? Fuck off.
(Just for information, my brother is 2years older than me and he also had struggles with my parents but in 2012 cant really remember, he left the house and didn't give us any news for two years. My parents were in terrible depression, mostly my mom. She told me things like 'how am I supposed to live without my son' and all I could think of was 'idk, maybe remember you have a daughter?' My dad kept telling me things like 'See the void in her eyes? She is in deep depression' oh ok, and I'm not? How could you not see my eyes for the last year but you immediately saw your wife's ones? Anyways, my brother came back into our lives and idk much abt it bcz they didnt wanna tell me abt their reconciliation, I mean, I'm not part of that family right)
I spent 5 weeks at the hospital. Many people came to see me but only to tell me about their problems... wtf?? I'm at the hospital and for the first time in my life I ask for some attention and you guys are unable to give me some? All guy friends tried to get me inside their bed. All female just wanted to enjoy their summer. After 3 weeks, my ex came to see me. He told me I was right. That he fell for her. Oh ok. And that she fell for him too. Oh ok. And that they're a couple now. Wow ok. And he left. Once I got out of the hospital I saw on Face Book that he went to see her in Japan (she had to go there for the summer for her studies) for a week. Japan. That country that's like 15h away. And me? We lived like 20km from each other and he could barely meet me twice a month. Wow.. this hurts.
Whatever I took about 400 medications during those 5 weeks and it really damaged my brain. Once out of the hospital I still wanted to die. 5 weeks ain't enough. I had to give up my flat bcz of all the bad memories and had to come back to my parents' place.
I've always had the dream of becoming an actress but I always wanted to finish my studies to have a backup plan if ever it didn't work out. So now that my life starts back at 0, I want it to become true. I didn't talk to my mom for months and after a while she backed up, yelling at me and it became really horrible in this house. One day she came into my room asking me when would I decide to stop acting childish and I andswered 'when you will' and it made her so angry she yelled and yelled and after a while told me to get the fuck out of her house. I looked at her and started packing up my stuff. I left the same hour. I spent the night outside. Did my dad call? No for sure not. He was too worried about his fucking wife. His daughter was outside for the night not knowing where to go and nothing bad about it. The next day I called him bcz I needed some stuff at home and he said he couldnt open for me bcz he was working. And I asked him if he wasnt worried about his daughter being outside and maybe have been raped or smth. He said he was working and couldnt talk. I hang up. Whatever I found some random places to sleep at, like airbnb and such (didn't want to go to any friends' place bcz I decided I didn't want those people in my life anymore) and after a month my aunt was back from holidays and she opened her door for me. She was very comprehensible, I told her everything and she said my parents have always been like that and such. After two months or so, my aunt called my parents. They came to pick me up. When they arrived at her place, she started yelling at me, telling me what a piece of shit I am and how ungrateful I am (even tho I listened to her problems, washed the dishes everyday and even paid for food and such). I was in shock. What was going on? We drove back 'home' and once there, I took my suitcase and walked away. I heard my mom yell my dad's name and heard him running towards me. He appeared in front of me telling me, with a frightening threatening voice "Where the fuck do you think you're going" and he started to beat me. I fell on the ground, he pulled me back inside, still giving me some punches. My mom arrived, she was right in front of me. I saw her anger and also how afraid she was for me. She punched me with her feet. I've never yelled so hard in my life. Asked for help, asked for anything but this. The garage door closed. My dad threw me on the ground. I peed and shat myself out of terror. I cried. My dad just told me "And this is just the beginning". I went home and changed myself. Then had to come in the living room. My dad was there, with a big stick (you know, those you use to bake and flaten some dough, idk the name of it) and he yelled at me for hours, told me everything I did wrong (as u can imagine, he invented). I just shut up and stood there, staring at the blood falling from everywhere on my face and arms.
The next day I woke up and came to the living room. Good morning. Nothing happened. After a fee hours I was in the kitchen and my mom arrived, full of tears and hugged me. I just stood there and said nothing while she apologized for everything, that I was right, that she was the one who threw me out (yeah bcz she told everybody that I was the one leaving. Parents can't be guilty, it's always ALWAYS the kid's fault.) She looked at me, put her hands all over my face, asked for forgivness, crying her heart out. I said I forgive her.
But I didn't. I still think of all the things they did and said to me everyday. I can't sleep and they wonder why. I can't motivate myself to do anything and they wonder why (everytime I showed them my accomplishments like my blender works, Rubik's cube record of 37s, my drawings, ... they just said stuff like 'ok, and what's the point of it? Will this help you out in life?'). I tried to kill myself again many times and even told them. What they said? They said that my attempt in 2018 traumatized them so much that they never wanna talk abt it again. Healthy, right? I even once stole some cyanide at work in 2019 and told him. He ignored it. (Also, I told them not bcz I wanted some attention (bcz my mom thought I faked a depression and suicide attempt for attention) but bcz I was asking for help)
Anyways. I still live with them bcz I'm waiting for a gallbladder operation and also cant have my own place here (in France) bcz I have a job offer in Switzerland that is waiting for me (friends of my parents wait for my operation to be over to start). So there's no point of taking a flat to be alone for a few weeks and then give it away bcz I won't use it anymore. So I just shut up again and handle it until I'll be able to work, save some money and fly away, far away and start my own life
I didn't say the whole story as you can imagine, wanted to concentrate on the most traumatizing stuff. But the last years were hard. I still think about killing myself everyday. But I didn't find a way to do it efficiently and not end even more stupid that I am now. I have no friends. I have no love. Got used by men when I got out of the hospital bcz I was weak af and had nobody to help me (bcz that's the first time my parents decided to let me do what I wanted and give me liberty even tho it was the time I needed them the most)
Anyways. A lot of things are still unsaid. Idk what I expect by writing all this. I dont really expect an answer bcz I dont need any advice. I dont need to hear that I should gtfo of here or see a therapist. I know that. I know everything you think. I already saw many therapists but they just made me feel even badder than before so that's not really what a therapist is made for. I'm still trying to look for one, yes. I just decided to stay at this hellplace bcz of covid, bcz of my gallbladder, bcz of money. I'm the only one who can help me and don't worry, I am. Sometimes I still fall on the ground bcz it's too hard but I'll go through it and when I'll succeed I'll be able to say that nobody helped me and that this success is mine and mine alone.
Thank you for reading and sorry if sometimes it doesn't make sense